just another goodbye.

hello thar.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:09:02 GMT

New story blog!

http://cyanidesweet.blogspot.com

check it out, and comment. (:

say my name.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 09:50:13 GMT

I'm enjoying the holidays.

Two days of almost non-stop video games, (almost finished Kingdom Hearts Re: CoM Reverse/Rebirth) lusting over The Path by Tale of Tales, talking until three am with Rifdi.

Yeah, life is good.

Tomorrow's his birthday, and we're going out. Terminator: Salvation! :D Also, Shafiq's back from Johor for a short spiel and I'm looking forward to seeing how much more Johor-ian he's gotten. Apparently he's started bragging about his 'mad DoTA skills'. Pfft.

Better yet, Cherating next week. Three days of surf, sand and sun! Oh yeah.

This is gonna be great.

as a side note...

Thu, 28 May 2009 11:50:49 GMT

I'm thinking of creating another LJ/blogspot.

Opinions?

kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Thu, 28 May 2009 11:48:02 GMT

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa...

1. went to McDonalds today. I feel fat. All the french fries went straight to my thighs.
2. went to Rifdi's apartment today. Had to meet my future mother-in-law. Correction, had to carry a conversation with my future mother-in-law for fifteen minutes. Awkwardness ensues.
3. I am emo though.

Sigh.

annoyed doesn't even begin to comprehend what I'm feeling...

Wed, 27 May 2009 07:19:32 GMT

I'm starting to feel like I've been ditched. D:

This sucks.

This. Really. Sucks.

inbetween lives.

Wed, 27 May 2009 06:59:07 GMT

Not really. I'm just sitting in the middle of a bunch of DoTA players.

Listening to Lee Hyori, apparently. I need better music, yeah?

So bored.

midterm stress!

Thu, 21 May 2009 06:56:34 GMT

Okay. English, BM, History, Science, and finally Pend. Islam - all done. I just have to get through the next four days (minus the weekends) and I'll be home free. :D

Cherating, here I come.

zero percent

Sun, 10 May 2009 04:29:23 GMT

again, I'm posting from the computer at Perfection. I've been sitting here for about an hour, and I'm waiting for my class to start - 1.45.

really, there isn't anything to write. mid-terms start next week and my first paper is history, paper 1. and what am I doing? reading akuroku/zemyx fanfiction on ff.net. can't really say much, but yeah.

i'm still bored.

ti amo, sempre e per sempre

Mon, 04 May 2009 07:04:09 GMT

I don't know about you, but this is weird.

If the control freak thing wasn't bad enough, whenever I try to tell you how I'm feeling, my words stick in my throat and I don't know how to say them anymore. How do I tell you? I can't even write them out.

I end up crossing out the words. Sheets upon sheets of paper, covered in black strike marks.

What to do, right?

your inspiration is the loss of absolutely everything

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:48:38 GMT

Waiting, waiting...
Tuition is supposed to start in ten minutes or so. Karyn and I are the only ones here atm. Hope we're not the only two in class though.

I don't know why I'm feeling lost.
I've discovered the art of diffusing stupid fights, so I guess that's an accomplishment. It is, right? Knowing the right words to say, knowing when you're wrong. Knowing how to fight, knowing the appropriate measures to take. Manipulative, maybe. But it works.
9 months, huh? Tomorrow, we're 9 months.

9 months. That's ridiculously long. I'm counting all the times we've broken up, all the times we've hurt each other and threatened to leave. I really, really don't believe it.

5201314.

I hate this.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 06:43:06 GMT

Why do I always do this? Why does this always happen? God dammit, I can keep asking why but heck - it's not gonna happen. The answers aren't going to magically fall out of the sky.

Why do I always pick fights when I'm missing you?

no, I didn't die.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 07:19:04 GMT

Hello livejournal, I'm sorry I've been neglecting you.

Let me tell you what I did today.

KDU College had it's Hospitality Race - which is kinda like an Amazing Race-esque thing, and let me tell you that my experience then pretty much mimics that. First, there was the fact that we were having major transportation issues. Not only would the school not send us there, but a) Rifdi's driver couldn't do it because his dad had an important meeting at 8:30 and b) my driver couldn't do it because that would involve...me telling my parents I was at a competition. Heh. At least Hsing Shan's dad could send us.

I'm only going to go into the highlights. I elbowed a guy out of the way, Rifdi broke the egg that we were supposed to use for some task - and fell down the stairs multiple times. I nearly fainted, shrieked at both my teammates - oh, I kicked my boyfriend in the balls after he poured a bottle of water on me. We ran up and down the same flight of stairs so many times. D: By the end of it, (after we were eliminated) Hsing Shan couldn't walk, I couldn't sit and Rifdi was worried he couldn't reproduce. Oops.

Called the driver, went back to Hsing Shan's place. Heh. After a hot shower, I guess we all felt more human. Lots of apologising and camaderie since the race seemed to bring out the worst in us. Played Worms for a bit, until Hsing got up to order pizza.

And now I'm at tuition. Woo.

why do you to this to me, why do you do this so easily

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:22:45 GMT

Kinda down. But then again, I rarely blog when I'm normal. I itch to blog when I'm emo and barely think about it when I'm happy. So the blogs end up messes of...emotion. And not particularly positive emotion.

-sigh-. Another trip to the office tomorrow. Out of all the places in school where I spend my time, I despise going to the office for the sheer reason that it usually means I'm in trouble. And yeah, I'm in trouble again.

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't care where we are or where we're headed to -

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:36:13 GMT

I now know why I don't really stay up so late anymore. At least, not when I have access to a computer. I go a little loopy.

It's kinda fun, I guess. Being here at my grandparent's place instead of at home. At least there's noise. Background TV noise, people yelling at the football match noise and countless reality shows on BBCE. Yeah, it's a lot more noise than I'm actually used to (duh, Hannah. You're in a house where there are six people in residence. T_T) but I'm cool. I have the internets. 8D

Eurgh. Gotta go buy credit today. I'll make an effort to go to the shops later. Drag the maid with me since I can't go walking around DU by myself (snatch-thief area galore, apparently). I have - [insert tapping *122# on keypad] RM5.34. Oh god, fail.

Okay, once prom season rolls around (November-Decemberish), is anyone willing to help me look for a prom dress? Or at least a re-usable evening dress.

an offer from a gentleman

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 07:39:17 GMT

Ahaha, Chang. You think I have a gaggle of boys trailing after me everywhere I go? That I've got some kind of personal entourage?

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I spent most of today alone. ALONE. By myself. Or, as by myself as you can get while doing the never-ending piles of work in the PRS room. God, after four days in there I might just get sick of seeing the inside of it. Unless you count the amazing-ness of the air-conditioned office. :D

I hate green folders.

I finally showed up to library today - I guess someone realised that when I'm on racks, I tend to walk around and chat to everyone else - or worse, sit down and chat to people instead of cleaning like I'm supposed to. I'm on counter duty with Melor. I like Melor, she's nice.

Write later, emo now. Rifdi's off to Adam Khoo camp for the weekend. D:

cinta demi setia

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 10:02:55 GMT

I'm at tuition!

God. I love the fact that Perfection has computers + internet. :D It makes me very happy, and no - I'm not this jazzed up because I had both a Starbucks frappucino AND cola within ten minutes of one another. Ooh, the world is so dizzying now. PRETTY!

Yeah, English was fun. All female class today. OH YEAH, and I haven't been in class (school) for four days because I've been doing PRS work. I'm not even a PRS (yet?) but I'm already doing work. Goddammit, I'm so sick of staring at Rifdi's name. Pick up 5 Jupiter's name list and there it is. Look for Pn. Hafizah's file and there's his name AGAIN. Oh, and look for the student files that she's assigned to and OHMYGOD, there his name is yet again. KHAIRIL RIFDI B. KHAIRIL FARIS. Rifdi, if you're reading this - I love you, and I love your name BUT I'm so damn sick of seeing your name and not you. I would like you, not black-and-white text. Thank you.

Oh yeah, all the male-halves of the known form four couples in school seem to have been dragged into the counsellor's office to 'talk'. So there've been all the major couples - when I say major, I mean the ones who have been a somewhat permanant fixture in the social hierarchy of the form. Much unlike the on-and-off debauchery (well, not really. but you get what I mean) that could possibly coin my and Rifdi's relationship.

Huggles.

Oh yes, that is a random word. Certainly a random word for such a random mood.

I love you baby, and it's quite alright. I need you baby, on such a lonely night. I love you baby, trust in me when I sa-ay. ~

I'll type when I'm not high.

i miss you

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 11:27:00 GMT

everything, everything is just coming at the same time and i'm so so so sick of it and i just want it to stop. goddammit, everyone i'm sorry. i'm sorry viv and zoe for being an awful friend. i'm sorry rifdi for being an overdramatic girlfriend. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry everyone. i'm sorry to my mum for pushing you to the point where you nearly committed suicide. i'm sorry.

~~i'll just stop talking.~~

'cause it's you and me

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 11:21:20 GMT

1.

I'll start with a retarded meme thing.

[x] Both of your parents are from Asia
[X] You were born in Asia
[ ] You use the term "Azn"
[x] You think DDR is cool
[x] You've watched lots of anime
[ ] You like Korean drama
[ ] You have stuff hanging on your phone
[x] You think your parents want you to marry within your own race
[x] You eat rice almost everyday
[x] You drink lemon tea

X's so far: 6

[x] You style your hair
[ ] You have a bebo/myspace/friendster
[x] You speak languages other than English
[x]Your parents are strict
[x] Your parents have high expectations of you
[ ] You always get A's/B's on your report
[x] You do Chemistry/Biology/Physics/Accounting
[x]You know your multiplication table
[ ]You play badminton or table tennis or Irish Pingpong
[x] You've seen the original asian version The Ring/The Grudge

Xs so far: 13

[x] You go/want to go to a university and would NEVER consider an apprenticeship
[ ] You own an asian car (Honda, Toyota, etc)
[x] You're not the only child
[x] You've gotten little red envelopes around February
[x] You know the difference between kung fu, karate and tae kwon do
[ ] Your mother tries to bargain even though the product is already discounted
[ ] You can solve a rubiks cube
[x] You have a box of noodles somewhere in your house
[x] You play video games

X's so far: 19

[x] Everytime you're going out, your parents ask you where you're going and what time you'll be home
[ ] You have karaoke at home
[ ] You've been to a LAN more than 3 times
[ ] You have incense sticks/moth balls in your house
[x] You own a gaming console
[x] You don't wear shoes in your house
[x] You can use chopsticks
[x] You get nothing if you do well in school, but nagged if you don't

X's so far: 24

[x] Your parents won't let you go out if you have school the next day
[x]You have asian songs on your computer/iPod
[ ] You don't like football
[ ] You like Soccer.

X's so far: 26

[x]You have a curfew
[ ] You know what ulzzang/tb means
[ ]You know what purikura is
[x] You like bubble tea
[ ]Your parents bought you shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come
[x] You've played final fantasy
[ ] You believe in fortune cookies

X's so far: 29

[ ]You know what is bok choy
[ ] You've heard the song "Got rice?"
[x] You've had pockys/yan yan before
[x] when you ask for ur mums permission she goes "ask ur dad"

X's so far: 31

Total X's: 31

Multiply your total score by 2 and put the subject as I am xx% Asian!

62% Asian. Oh brilliant.

My best friends hate me.
And it's all my fault.
Fuck it.

starbucks, and stolen kisses in abandoned stairwells

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 11:03:15 GMT

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Today was good.
Yesterday was good.

Hey, you. You know I love you.

your lips, your eyelashes, your skin

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 06:01:18 GMT

Of all the songs that Charz has gotten me addicted to, I don't know why this one's stuck.

All Hail The Heartbreaker - The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
to a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
and overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's takin' everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that you are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
and it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
and overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's takin' everything in me
just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
that I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
that cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
that I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
that cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
with words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't
affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't
affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me (I'll let you get the best of me)
'cause there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me (I'll let you get the best of me)
'cause there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
"All hail the heartbreaker"

Yeah.

So anyway, merentas desa tomorrow. 4.2km. Oh yeah, it's gonna be so fun. You can hear the fucking sarcasm dripping off my tongue. As much as the idea of running (and being in Category A this year) sounds fun, I don't appreciate the fact that they're making us go back to class after that. I'm gonna die.

And today, I'm moderating the YA Book Club at Borders. I also recieved flowers for Valentine's Day. :D Other than that, nothing really. (Mum went on an anti-Rifdi tirade last night. It was...enlightening)

Oh yeah, Rifdi quote of the day:

"See, Hannah? I told you that once you were single, the secret admirers would start rushing in,"

Ouch.

needles.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 05:30:39 GMT

No, I do not like needles. I don't like them at all.

And yet I consented to being jabbed by one - and thus losing use of my left arm for a good four hours - yesterday. And it's only one of three shots. I've got to go again in April, and after that in August. It bears repeating. I hate needles. Damn HPV vaccine.

In other news, Rifdi and I are fighting again. Go figure. It's like we're cursed; no matter what kind of relationship we're in, we fight and make up and fight and make up and it's an endless cycle. As Hsing Shan said, he gets offended easily and I naik darah easily.

By the way, if anyone cares - the only reason I managed to get a computer on a Saturday is because I'm at the tuition centre and I'm early for once.

can't swim in the silence of your skin; please let me in

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 07:31:08 GMT

Tuition seems to be agreeing with me, and this is the first time I've ever paid attention during a History class.

Slowly beginning to freak out more and more because my so-called best friend (male, not female.) is distancing himself from me? Of course, it isn't helping that whenever he randomly pops up, I immediately become a spaz and drop my books or jump or twitch or fall down. I'm trying to be jovial, trying being the operative word here. Unfortunately, it's only making me look more crazy than I already am.

Tution @ 3.45, have to go soon. Can't seem to swallow anything to eat, although that COULD be due to something else. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. It's getting more and more ridiculous.

Thank God he doesn't read this.

stop. rewind. enough.

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 10:25:35 GMT

I apologise for my absence, oh (whoever actually reads this thing) faithful readers of this blog. It saddens me to say that my beloved laptop has gone to the big Computer Junkyard in the Sky. So yeah, no online time for me unless I successfully manage to commandeer a laptop - like now. Grandfather's oh-so-canggih HP laptop. It's a bit finicky but at least I don't have to worry about accidentally deleting something important (Mum's Fujitsu) or messing up some program (Sophie's Benq). So yeah.

About school.

I totally bailed on the Ed. Board interview - and yeah, Melanie probably hates my freaking guts now. Sorry Melanie, where ever you are right now. However, I just passed up my PRS [counselling board] application form and went down to talk to Mr. Manmohan so yeah, I won't bail on that one. And Mr. Manmohan loves making Rifdi-related jokes when it comes to me. Well. Rif and I are sorta comparing right now.

Keceriaan is so not my forte and Hsing Shan has been doing EVERYTHING for me and taking on the duties of assistant monitor and she must be totally overworked and I'm so sorry about that. I've started tuition (Wednesday-Saturday) and music class has been pushed to Sunday evenings and I come home by 11:15 every night except for Mondays, Tuesdays and weekends. I feel like I'm on the verge of a burn out and no one seems to care but then again, I don't tell them and they do it too so I just sit at home and mope and read my stupid romance novels that make me cry harder than I used to because I've been burned again.

And just being friends with Rifdi is getting stupider and stupider because I still have feelings for him and his friends hate me and are starting to harrass me. In a way. I don't ever remember being this disliked since form one and back then, it was because of a fucking pink jacket. I just don't know what to do and it's affecting my mood swings which are getting worse. I can't stand around wringing my hands but I have to say that I'm doing a pretty good imitation of functioning.

Goddammit, I miss him and everyone and everything. And feeling alive. I walked in the rain yesterday, didn't feel the rain though it was freezing and above my ankles. Fuck everything.

oh my stars -

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:14:51 GMT

one.

I made the Ed. Board interview (Wednesday, 2:30pm - onwards) - and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not scared, and that Melanie does not scare me half to death. Who am I kidding. I'm scared of her, and Yumi, and Charz, and a whole lot more people. Hopefully, I don't stammer during the interview. Do I have to bring anything? I'll check with Alia. Hsing Shan and Alya got in for interviews as well, so we'll all go together.

Drama callbacks on Tuesday, have to check with Melor and Affiah whether I have to be there. Sophie made callbacks, yay her.

Library after-school stuff starts next week, but I'm going to have to switch days (only this week) because the Ed. Board interview clashes with work. Library work also sucks because my only source of entertainment isn't allowed to converse with me during work hours. Can't wait until the new probates come in, in that case. Hope whoever I'm mentoring isn't too bad.

Ili's scared of me.

I'm internally debating whether I should join Taekwondo. It might be good - some outlet other that running until I cough out blood or breaking random things or throwing sharp objects at the wall. But I'm also kind of swamped now - tuition five times a week (Tuesday - Saturday), music class, and then all the school obligations and deadlines.

Ketua Keceriaan of 4 Pluto 2009. Haven't done the timetable or duty roster (oh wait, Hsing Shan's doing that...) yet.

two.

The insanity's subsided and I'm a bit more sane.

Played a round of Kingdom Hearts II Re:CoM. Levelled up to Level 50 :D Soph defeated Larxene but the Castle Oblivion level's a pain in the ass.

Sophie's social life seems to be more active than mine these days. I just go to lunch with the guys (Adam, Martin, Shafiq - etc.) at times but Sophie actually has people interested in her. :/ ~~I miss having someone interested in me~~ - no wait. I just miss that one person. Stupid me. I have someone interested - but right type of interest, wrong person.

Am says that there are people who idolise me. I don't see why. There's really nothing to idolise - I'm disproportionate (I'm kind of...lamp-shaped?), my thighs are too big and I'm not tall enough to be of 'average height' but I'm not small enough to be 'petite'. I have a lisp, I stutter. I used to fall in love easily, but now I'm fixated on one person. I'm too emo, too hyper, too perky at times. I'm random and obsessive and addictive and weird. And altogether too melodramatic. Bah.

I'm trying to figure out a way to be nicer. It's not easy. Sarcasm slips off my tongue like honey.

three.

Baby steps.

I'm breathing. I'm not sleeping well but I'm still breathing.

I'm still alive.

nevermind

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 15:26:25 GMT

I don't know how to say all this.

I'm just tired of being me. All I do is mess up. So the best I can do is shut up.

I'm sorry everyone that I've hit rock bottom. I'm sorry everyone. Words are all I have anymore.